Friday, May 19, 2017

Why I stopped ?

I put my blog on private for awhile, (Then, I wrote some post privately, for what Diana? Diary?) because somehow, I feel judged . Even when no body's reading it, I know I'm being judged, by at least myself. Well, yup, i'm that insecure. Sometimes , I looked down on myself when I misspelled my words, or did any grammatical errors here. Even sometimes when think my choice of word are immature, too simple even, un par with my age. And I did the same with my twitter. Deactivated it . Yet that lasted for around two days only. lol (Well, particularly at first because a friend tweets hurt me, and I don't wanna be hurt anymore by finding out such hateful words behind my back and then some other friend tweeted something randomly yet with my anxious mind, thought that he's actually unmention-ing me but not particularly me, but it still burned me) Putting those aside , Mainly because, I think I tweeted wrongly . Lol . 'Wrongly?' - what I mean is I put things I shouldn't have write anywhere there, even some of my weirdest thoughts or current dramas in life that people shouldn't know. Yet, I thought that's what twitter are meant for . Then again , I'm always sad , and when I tweeted that, I then became afraid if people will think I'm such an emo-tional girl , with negative vibes and then, nobody would want to be my friend. And also another reason is people say, telling what you feel on social media is an immature , so twitter rant is all that , so if you still rant on media you're basically haven't grown up yet. AND I DONT LIKE THAT, BEING LABELLED AS KID. I do respect all of you that only tweeted quote, sayings and those similar stuffs, because thats who I wanna be but couldn't. I always wanted to have a cool vibes around me yet I ended up being the no-fun, in-her-own-cloud kinda girl. Haha. Personally, I wanted myself to think , people, childish or no childish, there are some real grown up (30s -50s) that still tell their life story on Facebook , so, these matter might actually relate us back to OUR PERSONALITY. Whether we're an Extrovert or Introvert, Observant or Intuitive, Thinker or Feel-er ,  Judger or Prospector . (I'm ENFJ btw (Protagonist) hehe) or whatever types there are, Our personality shape how we think and talk/do, so you could be 50 and still tell everyone how shitty your day went from A-Z on SMedia . You can't call these people immature. OR, sometimes people are just lonely. They have no one to talk to or there are people around but none to COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY with. Hmm. "Happy people write less."

I don't know what's my real crave in life. Today. after my exam, I went home and scrolled down all my social media account for 7 hours. No lie. Full 7 hours . (I'm no doctor yet , but I'm already lifeless. get it ? kbai) and secretly in that 7 hours , I hope that I get at least a few messages from anyone. But none came, so then, I went freakishly commented on every post and Insta stories I saw, even to people I haven't contacted for years. Yet, when they replied to them , I then have no idea what to reply back to keep the conversation going. I'm such a social awkward , WHO WANTS TO BE FRIENDLY and failed miserably. Why I did those stuffs? What actually I crave ? Attention ? Love ? Hmm yet when I get them, I tottaly have no idea what I'm doing . I can't get my head into anything. It wanders when people talk to me and it wanders even when I'm the one who's talking. 

Oh, and have you heard about Word Vomitter ? I read an article about this . And think I am one . 
Why? Because . I'm all set with everything described on the article ; 
1. Most of the time what I'm saying only made sense to me . 
2. Oversharing is a very real risk
3. I'm more than likely to say something very very weird. 
4. Talking to someone vaguely attractive is a struggle
5. It's easy to accidentally say something I didnt mean to 
6. Truly interesting conversations come from the WORST bouts of word vomit

It's interesting . And to think how "That is so me".

Aha, haha , to show you more how much love I have for self-embracing articles, I also found out I'm really am not surprisingly, an Extrovert (-judging from the amount of talking I can do. Duhh)

But somehow, I found out that I'm actually an Introspective Extravert . 
According to the 16personality page research , There's actually no in between with Extrovert and Introvert a.k.a Ambivert. But there's these theory of Introspective EXTRAVERT and Extroverted INTROVERT. Of course, some people can be Fully extrovert / Fully introvert, most people fell in the two categories above.

Problems as an Introspective Extravert:
At first meeting, people assume we've already put everything about us on the table because were naturally talkative.// We like doing things ourself, but we re-energized by doing stuffs with others.//It's always the best thing to have a group where we can return to, no matter how independent we are//  We find ourself constantly fluctuating between social groups because quite is too quiet , rage is too raging.//Many people see only the bubbly side of us; others see only the pensive side. Few see both//We experience immediate surface-level connections with almost everybody we meet, but ywe’re careful about who we invest in fully.// Read more from article beloww :D

So here's one of my fav article on the struggles of being Introspective Extravert:
http://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2016/02/12-struggles-only-introspective-extroverts-will-understand/ and one about it's opposite : http://www.lifehack.org/297304/19-real-life-examples-extroverted-introvert-you-dont-get-confused .

And try the 16 personality test . It's nice to know yourself more. I mean , why not ? :D
Test : https://www.16personalities.com/
I'm trying hard not to sail up such negatives vibes around me. Life got us handful of pressure and stress waiting to be overcome. I used to pile up my reading list with stacks of thick books and novels, but ever since medicine, I failed to keep up with my readings. Hence, I'm loosing touch with the world. I dont like that. Need to keep myself preoccupied with something else that is more reachable.

Ok .

I think that's all of my rant for today. Pray me for my finals . 4 down , 7 left to go.

Twma, Daaaaa people~
DA.






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